Today was a wonderful day.  I spent most of it with my dad.  We visited one of his elderly buddies, went to a museum, had lunch, talked and I finished the day off by going to the beach to watch the sunset (he was spent so he didn’t go with me).  I cannot tell you how much relief I find when I am here.  There is something about the ocean and family; but the combination is even more poignant when I am here, at this beach, with my family.

This is my home even though I have never lived here a day in my life.  My family is military, so we grew up pretty much everywhere.  I was born in Road Island and am currently living in my 14th or 15th town.  The only consistent place I have ever gone in my life is this place.  My great-grandparents moved here in the 1930’s, my grand-parents in the 1970’s and my parents in 2001.  Being a military family, we had to pick one location as our home of residence.  We picked Florida.

Other than the fact that this was our home of residence, this was also the only place we ever came to every single year.  I grew up on this beach.  I know this town better than most I lived in….but I have never “lived” here in the traditional sense.  It is such a small place, but I like it like that.  There are many times when you are at the beach and you don’t see people around.  It’s like your personal little vacation spot!

I find so much peace here.  So centered.

~SD

Image via Wikipedia

I feel like I’ve been gone from my blog forever and its only been about one day!  I finally made it to my parents place.  I’m here for the week to recuperate.  I think it will be good for me.  They live near the ocean, so I’ll be able to have some much needed family and ocean therapy.  I already feel a little better.

I had an interview early this morning at the University.  We’ll see how things turn out.  You never know with these things.  You may think the interview went well, but you get the boot anyway.  Right now I feel okay with all this.  If I get it, great…if I don’t… that will be a let down, but okay (although there may be a post about my breaking down after I receive that news ;-))

My dad has suffered with depression for a number of years and so did his parents.  They know me and love me unconditionally, so it is nice to feel so safe…even for a little while.  I think that is my favorite thing about being here.  The feeling of love and safety.  I am truly lucky to have a family that provides me with such a gift.  For clarification… No, we are nothing like the family in the picture above.  We are very real with each other, fight, have all our wounds out in the open, and love each other a great deal.

Where do you find a sense of peace?  Is it a location?  A person?  While I hate to admit it, I am scared of where this place of safety will go once my family is no longer here.  Nonetheless, I’ll continue to have the ocean and that will forever be key in my healing.

Namaste,

SD

Image by KatLevPhoto via Flickr

Yesterday was a bit rough, last night at least.  Yesterday afternoon I got a call about coming in for another interview at a university where I would like to work.  Initially, I’m excited to hear this, but that fades very quickly to despair with the thought that this will be, yet again, another job that I will not get.

I understand that a lot of people are dealing with unemployment and I understand what it is like to be rejected over and over and over and over… ad nauseum.  I could wallpaper my bathroom with the number of rejection letters I’ve received!  So, I know I’m not alone in this, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel any less humiliated at my inability to get a full-time gig.

I think the lack of having a full-time job has contributed to my depression and anxiety.  I am alone most of the day.  I do have a part-time teaching post (an online teaching gig) and I am working with some friends to establish a company (although we don’t have any revenue just yet).  But the hardest thing for me is that I am alone all the time.  I like being around people (and I hate it at times) and I like being in an environment that challenges me in unexpected ways.

So, after getting the call about another interview, I became a little irritated and depressed about it.  Once my poor husband came home, it just got worse, particularly since he made us late for a dinner event with some friends.  I love him dearly, but sometimes I just don’t think he gets anything that I’m going through.  When we got home that evening I just broke down and told him all that I have been going through.  It is sad that I feel like I cannot talk to him about most of this, but I often feel alone.  In all honesty, I have only one friend that truly knows what I’ve been dealing with and I am grateful for that support.

Have you ever felt like you are dealing with all this stuff alone even if you are in a relationship or have a strong family/friend network?  Why do we feel compelled to hide these things from the people that are suppose to love us the most and how do we overcome this?

~SD

Image via Wikipedia

I was watching a show yesterday and at one point the main character says “you see the good in people.”  What does that mean?  Wouldn’t it be better to see both the good and the not so good in someone?  I wish someone knew both halves of me.  I sometimes feel that I live two separate lives.  One that is “together” and the virtual one, here, that finally allows my “not so good” side to express itself.  I wonder what it would be like to feel completely comfortable with showing both sides of who I really am to anyone!

It is kind of sad to think that many think that the most important part of a person is the “good” within them.  The stuff that makes people real and compassionate come from being understanding of all the “ugly” stuff possible within every human being.  This is not to say that you must posses those traits, per se, but that you understand where they come from.  In this way, I think my depression and anxiety are a blessing.  I understand rage, hate, loathing, loneliness, mistakes, hurt, and pain in addition to happiness, love, and compassion.  I understand what it means to be so down on yourself that you want to end your life or just turn the pain off with anything.  I understand what it means to be scared for your life.  I understand confusion….and hope.

I wouldn’t be who I am if all I had were the “good” in me.  And I wish I could share my demons with more people, but society doesn’t encourage that.  It is viewed as a weakness to admit such struggle.

Here’s to all of us out there willing to admit that we are more than just the “good stuff”!

~SD

I wanted to take a moment to share this with you all.  It makes me feel great to watch it and to see people from all walks of life coming together.  If you found this site, you probably did for a reason.  You are never alone.  I will stand by you and I know the other members of our community will as well.

Enjoy!

Image by Denis Collette...!!! via Flickr

I can’t explain why it happens, but there are these moments of peace and relief in depression.  Perhaps it is just part of the cycle.  I’m half tempted to go through and do an analysis of my psyche as it manifests itself in each post of this blog.  Perhaps I’ll find some pattern 😉  But that really isn’t the point of this blog.  The point is to be a place for those who have no voice and who are suffering in silence.  There is no need for that.  Even if you cannot express it to your family, there are those of us out here that know what you are going through.

How to participate if you don’t want others to know who you are: create a unique and unidentifiable identity and don’t tell anyone about it.  How you do this:

1. Create a new email account through www.yahoo.com, www.hotmail.com, or some other free email account hosting site.
2. Get your Gravatar at www.gravatar.com! I have no idea how it works, but every time you use the new email address you created, it will put your image (gravatar) with your posts/comments…no matter whose site you post on.  Its crazy genius!
3. Start posting…here, on other people’s site, or create your own blog at www.wordpress.com.

Perhaps one day you will tell others who you are, but for now we just want to build a haven for people to discuss their journey.

Cutting is the process of causing harm to yourself.  Some people use razors to make slices in their arms or legs.  I have to be honest, there are times when I get to the point that I wish I could do this.  The main reason that I don’t, however, isn’t because it is bad for you.  The main reason I don’t, is because I know I could not get away with it.  How horrible is that?  Sometimes, I would give anything to simply be able to have another pain greater than the one in my head and heart.

For me, these thoughts are about relief, a moment where I can simply just turn off the confusion and pain I feel in my mind.  I don’t act upon them, but I do have these thoughts.  I think it helps me to be able to just admit what is going on in my mind.  Admit that sometimes I wish I could divert the pain through cutting, admit that there are times that I think about a gun and the fact that it would stop the noise if I just used it, that I think about how much better off things would be if I weren’t here.

The reality is, however, that while I have thought about these things, I do not truly want to die.  I want to live and I feel that I bring value, however small, to this world and to the people, causes, and other things I care about.  Perhaps part of my role is to bring awareness about the realities of depression, about what really goes on in our heads, and how we work to overcome the potentially debilitating beast.

Have you ever experienced these “unacceptable” thoughts during your journey?  Share your experiences here.  This is a place where honesty must reign true.

What does it mean to be “normal” and if you are dealing with some type of mental illness, are you “normal”?  Do “normal” people suffer from depression?  Is this “normal”?

When I was seeing a counselor, I asked him once if what I was dealing with was “normal”.  He was so great.  He said, ” I don’t like classifying things with that word and don’t think you should either.  Nothing, in this case, is ever truly ‘normal’ or ‘abnormal’.”  I appreciated that so much.  In general, I think it is part of the human condition to search for some sense of “normalcy”, but what does that mean?  Especially in regard to mental health?  I found a great post about mental illness on www.allthingsdepression.com.  It was talking about whether or not there is a “cure” for mental illness.  During that discussion, it talks about “normalcy”:

“For a moment, let’s talk about what it means to be “normal”.  What is “normal” anyway?  Is it being happy and jovial constantly, always having more than enough energy and motivation to get things done?  Is it being outgoing and the life of the party?  Is having a great physique and washboard abs “normal”?  Now, I guarantee that your definition of “normal” is going to be different from anyone else’s definition of what it means to be “normal”.  For most ideas, this entails momentary states of being that cannot be maintained indefinitely.  Nobody is happy every single moment of every single day.  Your energy levels and motivation rise and fall like the tides. Sometimes, you just don’t feel like going to a party or working a room like you’re a politician.  As for having a great physique, our societal views are horribly skewed.  All those models and fitness stars you see in magazines train for that one photo-shoot year round.  Even their weight and body definition fluctuates, sometimes dramatically.”

I love this idea….that OUR idea of “normalcy” is often thought of as something that IS sustained indefinitely!  I think this is where we begin to question our “normalcy”….when the momentary state of homeostatic being begins to waiver, usually for the worse.    

How many of you have ever questioned whether or not your are “normal”?  When you think of what “normal” really is, why would you want to be that way?

~SD

There are times when I feel like my head is going to explode!  It isn’t always related to depression, often times it is just endemic of my personality.  I over think everything and naturally have some OCD tendencies.  There was a period of time when my house was so clean because of my anxiety and OCD!  One time, when I went away for about a week, I kept thinking about how I left my apartment in ruins!  Dirty!  When I got back, I was shocked at how clean it was!  I was in graduate school at the time and cleaning and working out were my two “control” areas.

What are these control ares?  These are areas that we, people suffering from anxiety or depression, believe we have some control over and, thus, tend to become a little obsessive about in an effort to calm the demons.  The demons manifest themselves in many ways.  For me, it is all in my head.  They chatter, scream, and seem to be attempting some type of revolution to take over my mind!

Tonight the chatter and stress has manifested itself physically into a lovely headache!  So nice.  I can’t seem to shake it.  My brain actually seems to hurt!  Like it is more than a headache, it is a brainache!

The physical manifestations of depression, stress, and anxiety are very interesting.  I oscillate between periods of excessive sleeping and times, like now, when I cannot get to sleep if my life depended on it!  The noise, my mind, keeps me up.

What are your demons like?  What do you do to help combat times when you are in distress?

~SD

Yesterday was pretty difficult and I had one of those complete meltdown moments!  Sometimes there is such relief in a meltdown, though.  The feeling of tears on your face, allowing the rug to be completely pulled out from under you, and being forced to let go, for even just a moment, is somehow relief.

I was notified yesterday that I am not being considered for a job that I am, quite honestly, over qualified for.  It has been difficult for me to be without a “regular” job, so while I was not completely in love with the job, I was looking forward to the distraction of going to work every day.  After I got the news, I was sobbing and was just 100% DONE!  It was sort of the icing on the cake.  Luckily, I have such a wonderful family.

I called my dad and we talked for about an hour.  He is really great.  We haven’t always had a good relationship, but I am so lucky to have him to talk to about this.  He suffers from depression as well and spent the first 13 years of my life untreated.  It runs on our family.  His mom and dad also suffered from it,  but medicated it with alcohol.  My dad, thankfully, never turned to alcohol.  The irony is that he has spent his life as a psychiatric nurse, but being from a Catholic, New England, Alcoholic family, has, historically, had a “unique” way of dealing with things ;-).

Anyway, yesterday we talked about life, depression, and how everything in our lives happen for a reason.  While I might be frustrated now, if I hadn’t made the decisions I did in my life, I never would have met my husband and had all the experiences I have had.

I always knew a little story about my dad and the engagement ring my mom has.  My dad’s best friend was drafted to Vietnam and was killed.  He was going to propose to his girlfriend wen he got back, but never made it.  His family gave the engagement ring to my dad since they were like brothers.  Yesterday, he told me about why he enlisted in the Navy.  My dad knew that he was about to be drafted, but didn’t want to be drafted into the Army like his friend.  He knew the likelihood of surviving was slim.  So, he went to the Navy recruiting office and enlisted in the Navy and was slated to become a Navy nurse.  The next morning he received his draft notice.  If he hadn’t enlisted when he did, he would have been drafted into the Army and who knows what would have happened.  He may not have ever met my mom (a Navy nurse and his commanding officer (CO) when they met).

So, I’m going to see my family in a few weeks.  Cannot wait.

My realization today was: sometimes it takes a total meltdown for you to feel like a new beginning is possible.  In Buddhism, what I experienced today is called absolute bodhicitta: a moment of complete dis-attachment…of the need to control my story… to “put” things where they “should” be.  These moments of bodhicitta are amazing gifts along the path of the warrior.

Here’s to a good day and a great weekend!

~SD