So, we had a very “interesting” weekend.  Overall it was really good.  There was one moment, however, when I completely lost it!  My husband was in a bit of a bad mood, so I was going to take him for ice cream (we had a coupon for Marble Slab).  I realized that we were at the wrong one.  So we got in the car and started to leave.  The other part of this trip was to go look at cars.  His car is just horrible and so we need to buy a new one.  So we got in the car, he made some comment that I didn’t understand, and I was trying to figure out what he meant.  I “furrowed” my brow, apparently, and he made a snide and sarcastic comment about the “look on my face”.  He was being an asshole.

This sent me into tears.  I felt horrible.  He is the kind of person that if he is upset, everyone will have to deal with it.  So, instead of saying something like, “no, I’m just upset at such and such” he will lash out at me and make me feel bad.  I know, I know… we all do this.

So, when things like this happen, I always have that moment of “oh, this is how my life is going to be… belittled, unappreciated, and cannot ever do anything right.”   He made another snide comment about not wanting to go anywhere “now that I’m upset and crying”, “he doesn’t want to be looking at cars like this”…. blah, blah, blah… All I was trying to do was to cheer him up by getting him some FUCKING Ice Cream!  I was so pissed and hurt, I lost it.

I started heading back to our house.  I told him I was going to drop him off, he didn’t want to be dropped off, I asked him if he wanted to come with me b/c I didn’t want to go home, he didn’t want me to go by myself….. It’s like pulling teeth with this one!  He’s one of the most passive-aggressive people I know.

So, I continued to lose it.  And I’m the one driving.  Not a good situation.   I pull out of our house and start heading down the street toward the main highway and just put the gas to the floor!  I was going about 70 in a 30 and was just seconds from driving our car in to the nearest tree or concrete post.  I just couldn’t handle it any more.  Of all people, your husband should not be the one that makes you feel like shit.

He finally stopped talking at me in a sarcastic tone and was trying to get me to slow down and pull over like a sane and rational person.  I really contemplating just running the damned car into something!  He was talking to me, but I was just driving faster and faster struggling to bring myself to stop.  My knuckles where white and I would close my eyes for a few seconds every now and then not sure of what to do.

Finally, I pulled over and put the car in park.  I told him that I just couldn’t do it any more.  I couldn’t take being mocked by my husband.  I told him that I was just starting to get a little confidence back now that things seem to be moving in the right direction and he purposefully says things to hurt me b/c he is in a bad mood.

It was at this moment that I realized 1) he will never understand what I have to deal with inside my crazy little head, 2) that I can be a bitch and dangerous when I lose control, 3) I am prepared to leave any relationship where the person sets out to hurt me, and 4) I truly love my husband despite the fact that we are still learning to live with each other after all this time and sometimes want to kill each other.

He apologized, like really apologized.  Normally he’s like, “yeah, I know I shouldn’t have done that”… but this was different.  I think he knew I wasn’t fucking around.  He was genuinely sorry.  And I felt horrible.  I can’t believe that I put us and others in such a dangerous position by driving like a crazy person.  It was like I had no control over what I was doing.

So, depression makes me a bitch…. perhaps even more of a bitch than I’d like.

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Things have really been busy the last week or so.  And I am proud to report that I have taken a full-time position at an organization that I absolutely LOVE!  I’m not only very excited to have a job, but grateful to have a position at an organization that I really believe in.  My other business has also been taking off as well, so that is exciting.

So, what does this mean in regard to my depression?  It means that I’ve been feeling a little manic lately.  I’ve had high energy and have this feeling like a great weight has been taken off my shoulders.  I’m interested to see how the next few weeks will go.  I have to admit that I’ve been feeling as if I’m in a bit of shock and relief that the search is over!

I’m also very proud of my husband for being  so supportive and for making an extra effort to keep me going.  He isn’t what I would call overtly caring, but he knew how tough things had been for me and sent me little messages of encouragement.  I don’t know if he ever read the article I posted about how to care for a loved one with mental illness, but I did see a change after I sent it to him and asked him to read it.

So, on a scale of 1-10, today is a 9.  It is funny how even though I am very grateful for the job, the ordeal leading up to this, the depression, the anxiety, the feelings of guilt for not contributing to the family b/c I don’t have a steady income sort of “damper” on everything.  I guess it just is what it is.

Cheers!

~SD

Related articles

• How to Successfully Return to Work After a Bout With Depression (brighthub.com)
• The stigma of depression-hope at last (poppyposts-blog.net)
• How to REALLY Help Someone with Depression or Anxiety (heatherrayne.wordpress.com)
• Dealing with Depression: Self-Help Coping Tips (brighthub.com)

How to Help a Loved One Struggling with Mental Health Issues.

Good post.  I forwarded it to my husband.  He doesn’t understand depression and while I talk to him about it, he still doesn’t get it.  I asked him to read it not because I’m in a tailspin, but because I think it is a good article that might provide him with some insight.

Throughout our lives people enter and people leave, but when do  we make the choice to let someone go?  Whether it be a friend or lover, what is the criteria?   How do you know it is time to go?

This has been fairly pertinent for me the last few months, with some of my friends in particular.  I’ve realized that, while it is unfortunate, I simply do not have many friends with whom I confide and know, with out a doubt, that if I were in need they would be there for me unconditionally.  I’ve recently decided to stop investing on one friendship that simply seems just one-sided.  It is in my nature to give myself completely to my friends, family, and even strangers on occasion.  I want to help others and I have two love-lines  on my hands (palm reading).  I have a big heart, but am often let down by others.

One friend from college and I were inseparable and we moved to DC together when it was over.  Over time I had to move and eventually met my husband to be.  She agreed to be in my wedding, as we had always discussed, but called me a month before the wedding to tell me that she wasn’t going to be in it and wasn’t going to come because she wanted to go with her boyfriend to the Outer Banks (shore in North Carolina).  I didn’t speak to her for two years after that.  To this day our relationship has never fully recovered.  We speak fairly regularly, but it has just not been the same since.

So, when do you know it is time to let go?  What relationships are worth the lengthy trials and tribulations that come with them?

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I’ve realized that there are these times when I am frozen from my depression.  I have all these things that I want to do and I just get so overwhelmed by everything that I simply don’t do anything.  It sucks.

Today was a fairly good day, so I am happy for that.  I had a great run today at the park.  The weather was nice and sunny, low humidity, and a gentile breeze.  My body felt good and my breathing felt good.  I love the feeling of pushing myself and it is like a form of meditation to get into the rhythm of a run.

Let’s see if I can articulate the things that I want to get done that I don’t seem to accomplish and perhaps by putting them out there an reporting on my progress, I will put myself in a position to get moving despite the feeling of being frozen:

1. Find a job, no matter what that job is… I have my business and online teaching, but really would like the steady, everyday job.  I have an advanced education, so it is difficult for me to think that all I’ll be able to do right now is get a job working at Target or something, but I am going to take this as a challenge in humility.  Monday morning, I will be going to some local places to get a job “below my education and experience level“… why does this make me feel shame and embarrassment?  B/C it puts into reality that all the work I did in school was for nothing.
2. Complete a short story.  I love writing and reading and would like to write a book one day.
3. Complete a marathon.  This is just a personal wish.  I am going to try to get a spot in the Houston Marathon.  It is a lottery system, so there are no guarantees.
4. Play at some jam sessions.  I am a saxophonist and have played for about 18 years or so.  I need to get into the local scene, but that requires starting to go out to listen and participate in music.  My husband isn’t very interested in me going out at night, but I want to play.  I play with a local wind ensemble, but want my jazz fix.  I need to start going to one jazz concert every month.  (look at that!  I set a little benchmark! 😉 ).
5. Start formal Shambhala training.

So… with any luck by having put these things out there, I’ll start getting my act together and will start moving forward with some of these goals.

What goals do you have that you have been unable to achieve because of your depression?  What ways do you overcome those moments when you freeze?

Related Articles

• Getting Started: Exercise for Depression (webmd.com)
• How to help prevent depression. (howtotrulylive.com)
• The Exercise Prescription: Aerobic exercise in the treatment of depression (mentahealthmatters.wordpress.com)
• I Don’t Sit Around Because I’m Depressed. I’m Depressed Because I Sit Around. (howtotrulylive.com)
• Effective Treatments for Depression (brighthub.com)

Oh no… with all the positive thoughts I had on vacation, I’m feeling like the rabbit hole is opening up again.  I stayed in bed till 10:00 a.m. this morning… not because I was tired, I just didn’t want to get out of bed.  So, I’m trying to hold on to the positive and decided to paste this song again.  It always makes me feel better to listen to it.

Cheers!

Things seem to be much better these days, I am happy to report.  Hopefully I’m working my way out of the trough of depression that I fell in a few weeks ago.  Things seem to be more “in perspective” right now.  I wonder how long this will last, though.  I’m hopeful that it will be for a while, but you never know.  It is interesting to take a look back at where you were when you felt really lost and depressed.  It seems difficult to even describe what it is like when you were there.  I guess that is why I’m grateful for this record (this blog) that I’ve started to keep track of where I’ve been.  Looking back, it doesn’t seem as if it was that bad, not too big of a deal; but I conceptually know better.

So, here are a few of my life updates.  I received another rejection from a university here, but it doesn’t seem to bother me that much.  I tell myself that it is mostly due to the fact that I am overqualified for these positions, but really who knows.  This is a position to which I had applied before, but didn’t get it.  Then, they called and asked me to reapply since the other person didn’t work out.  Then I didn’t get it.  Oh well.

On the business that I started with a few of my former colleagues, however, we are on track.  Our first client just signed the contract and we have three very strong potentials. 🙂

So, the road to recovery with depression.  I don’t think there will ever be a total recovery, but there will be periods of time that will be better than others.   I think awareness of the issue and willingness to work through it will be key to life success.

Cheers and Happy Easter!

~SD

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“The brain is an organ and needs time to heal.”

I read this on another’s blog and it really resonated with me.  I believe Sana Quijada, A Friend to Yourself, said it to someone else, but I have forgotten where I saw it at this point 😉 (sorry guys).  I’m not sure why we don’t see mental illness in this light.  Your brain is an organ, just like everything else in your body, and when it is sick or damaged it needs time to heal.  So why, then, do we feel that we should somehow be able to get over depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia or any other mental illness faster or with greater ease than if we had a broken bone or a scratched knee?

When we have a mental illness, we are not afforded the luxury of isolating the area to give it time to heal.  We are unable to shut it off completely and, therefore, our brain is forever in use whether or not it needs time to heal.  To compound the issue, the thoughts that bounce around in our heads are often the main agitators that send us into a tailspin.

So, the question is, how do we give the brain time to heal?

For me, meditation, the blog and my recent trip to see my family has been enormously helpful in silencing the chatter and allowing my brain to breath.  I think that is how if feels sometimes; like my brain is suffocating from all the thoughts and feelings of negativity.

How do you let your brain rest and recuperate?

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While she may or may not be your favorite person/actor, I have to give props to Catherine Zeta-Jones for speaking out about mental illness.  Good for her for seeking treatment and for speaking up.  Yes, I realize she may not have had the luxury of dealing with this in private, but props nonetheless!

*************

After the surprise revelation last week that Catherine Zeta-Jones had received treatment for bipolar II disorder, the actress appears on the cover of People magazine this week and discusses her struggle.

“This is a disorder that affects millions of people and I am one of them,” she told People in a statement. “If my revelation of having bipolar II has encouraged one person to seek help, then it is worth it. There is no need to suffer silently and there is no shame in seeking help.”

Zeta-Jones checked in to Silver Hill Hospital — a mental health facility in New Canaan, Connecticut — in April, a few months after her husband, Michael Douglas, was deemed free of cancer after enduring a long battle with throat cancer.

The catalyst for Zeta-Jones’ seeking help was her upcoming role in the romantic comedy “Playing the Field,” which is to begin shooting in Lousiana shortly. She realized, according to People, that she would need to address her growing depression before heading back into a professional setting.

“The simple things would just seem overwhelming, like going out to dinner,” a “close friend” told the magazine. “There was just a little piece of her chipped away. It was hard to watch because I knew how hard she was trying.”

Those who suffer from bipolar II disorder generally face an increased level depression, with mood swings that last for a longer period of time and “up” periods that are “more elevated.” Often, the episodes are triggered by “major stress or life changes.” On the spectrum of bipolar disorders, bipolar II is considered less severe than bipolar I.

http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/thefamous/catherine-zeta-jones-there-is-no-need-to-suffer-silently/1115

~SD

So, I’m still enjoying my beach and family therapy a great deal, but wanted to talk a little about something that has been nagging at me even here; depression and anxiety symptoms.  In this case, I’m talking about the physical manifestations of depression and anxiety.  I’m sure most people will say it is no big deal, but when I am depressed or anxious I have this stupid thing that happens to my chest and it is a b*tch to get rid of!!!!!

When I get really stressed and depressed, my entire chest breaks out with the little pustules that resembles Rosacea.  That is the best way I can describe it.  As best I can tell it isn’t a rash and it isn’t acne.  I’ve tried numerous treatments to get rid of it and nothing seems to work.  The only thing currently making a dent is Epsom Salt.  Basically I just dissolve some Epsom Salt in some water, submerge a washcloth in the mixture, and pat it on my chest for about 5-10 min.  It helps reduce the redness and the other gross issues.

While I’ve had so much fun visiting the family, having a physical manifestation of your stress/depression really just makes me feel not so “hot”, if you know what I mean!

Any of you suffer from some physical manifestation of your depression or anxiety?  Have any home remedies that I could try?  I’m all ears!

~SD